Exclusive: “I did not have sexual relations with Dermot O’Leary”- Brett Crossingham

Today Brett Crossingham has laid rest to what he calls ‘wild accusations’ that he is having a wild and passionate affair with the main poltergeist leader and full time cheeky chappy Dermot O’Leary. The past 24 hours have brought with it a tremendous tidal wave of what Brett calls ‘un-substantiated rumours’, which have single handily been the main talking point over most social networking sites. So much so that ‘twitter’ and ‘facebook’ have been forced to close down for the foreseeable future, due to the mass constraints the world wind rumour has caused to both sites. A spokesperson from ‘Facebook’ issued the following statement a short while ago:

“Well basically we are buggered. Well and truly buggered. There certainly is no two ways about it, we’re fucked. Everyone is fucked”

The ‘incident’ was said to have happened at the so called Irishman’s newly opened Fishy Fishy restaurant in Brighton, late on Friday night. Onlookers were shocked to see both Dermot and Brett “Holding hands”, whilst enjoying a bowl of freshly caught king tiger prawns. Mrs Babe’s wood, from east Brighton, was munching on some haddock at the time of the ‘incidents’ birth:

“I couldn’t believe what I was seeing. There I was munching on some haddock, I looked round and just saw Dermot and Brett laughing a giggling away like little school children. Just when it couldn’t get anymore sickening I saw them holding hands. Why the hell would two grown men hold hands? Not only that, but in a fish restaurant of all places. A fish restaurant”

Brett issued the following statement in response a short time ago:

“Can I start by just saying that Dermot and I have formed a wonderful relationship in the past weeks. But I would also have to state that I and Dermot are as straight as a roman road. Dermot has a wife and a family, as is a family man. Onlookers may have seen what they could only describe as holding hands, but this certainly was not the case. It’s basically a prolonged hand shake that myself and Dermot recently created. I can understand why people might mistake it for holding hands, but it’s simply a prolonged hand shake. The shaking movement as it were, is very minimal, so it could be mistaken for holding hands. But I hate to upset the watching world, and declare that it was just a simple newly created hand shake”.