Player of the season Announced

Kris Southby has beaten off all competition to become the Ghosts' player of the season. Southby won a fans' online poll, taking 27% of the vote.

Although Southby only played for the Ghosts three times, he starred in the 6-6 draw with The Grand and the historic 2-1 victory over Brighton Arthritic. Indeed despite being part of the side that lost 7-0 against Dudley's Breakfast, the Ghosts collected 4 points with him and none without. A record better than all Ghosts, except Alex Civello who also played in the 6-6 draw and 2-1 victory, but not the 7-0 defeat. John Marshall played in exactly the same games as Kris, but had a worse goalscoring record.

Southby was at the centre of many Ghost goals when he played and his skill and incisiveness were crucial in ensuring the Ghosts' best results.

Top scorer Brett Crossingham and Italian star Alex Civello finished joint second with 16% each. One game wonders Sam Parish and Kieran Hill both came in next with 11% each. Ralph Miller, Rob Edmonds and John Marshall all received 5%, while Rob Gill and Tom Stewart received 0%.

Results in full:

1. Kris Southby - 27%

2. Brett Crossingham & Alex Civello - 16% each

4. Sam Parish & Kieran Hill - 11% each

6. Ralph Miller, Rob Edmonds & John Marshall - 5%

9. Tom Stewart & Rob Gill - 0%

End of season review: Brett Crossingham

Brett Crossingham

Appearances: 7

Goals: 10

Best Moment: His hatrick in the 6-6 draw with the Grand. In fact all of his goals were highlights

Lowest point: His goalscoring no-show in the humiliating defeat against Dudley’s Breakfast

If he was a professional player he would be: Wayne Rooney – An aggressive, proven goal scorer who causes continuous problems for opposition defenders.

End of season review: Tom Stewart

Tom Stewart

Appearances: 5

Goals: 0

Best Moment: His brave goalkeeping performance in the 6-6 thriller with the Grand. Only blemished by Ralph Miller’s late moment of madness.

Lowest point: Allowing an innocuous shot that seemed destined to go wide to slip past him into the back of the net.

If he was a professional player he would be: Kevin Keegan – Messiah and flawed genius. Showed flashes of brilliance but carried the weight of expectation on his shoulders. The Newcastle resident was part of the club’s DNA. Left the club and came back. The Apple of all Ghosts’ (except the poltergeists) eyes.

End of season review: Ralph Miller

Ralph Miller

Appearances: 7

Goals: 0

Best Moment: His solid defensive (and managerial) display in the 2-1 victory over Brighton Arthritic

Lowest point: His unfortunate deflection which put the ball past keeper Tom Stewart for a last minute equaliser in the 6-6 draw with The Grand.

If he was a professional player he would be: Gilles Grimandi – Tenacious, hardworking and sexually alluring. All of these things can’t hide the fact he is a very limited footballer.

End of season review: Rob Gill

Rob Gill

Appearances: 5

Goals: 1

Best Moment: His stunning mazy run and goal against Unreal Madrid

Lowest point: Conceding 8 in the Ghosts’ first game against Red Snapper

If he was a professional player he would be: Jose Luis Chilavert – Kept goal well and with finesse, but just as comfortable with the ball at his feet. Stopped and scored great goals.

Player of the week Announced

Rob Edmonds was voted the Ghosts best player in their final game vs Varndean Academicals.

Edmonds gave a good performance in an ultimately disappointing season ender for the Ghosts.

Edmonds registered 46% of the vote.

Results in Full:

1. Rob Edmonds - 46%

2. Brett Crossingham - 23%

3. Tom Stewart - 15%

4. Ralph Miller & Rob Gill - both 7&

6. Kieran Hill - 0%

End of season review: Alex Civello

Alex Civello

Appearances: 3

Goals: 2

Best Moment: His winning goal against Brighton Arthritic

Lowest point: Barely any. If pushed his slightly under-par performance vs RS2.

If he was a professional player he would be: Daniele De Rossi – Italian box-to-box player, at the focal point of every good movement and sorely missed when unavailable.

End of season review: Rob Edmonds

Rob Edmonds

Appearances: 4

Goals: 0

Best Moment: His great through ball to Alex Civello, which set up the winning goal in the Ghosts’ only victory

Lowest point: Shooting over from close range against The Grand and Brighton Arthritic

If he was a professional player he would be: Nicklas Bendtner – Gets into great positions, looks threatening and goals occur when he is in the box, but just lacks that crucial bit of luck in front of goal. Should score more than he does, but still works hard for the team.

End of season review: Kris Southby

Kris Southby

Appearances: 3

Goals: 1

Best Moment: His great skill and beautifully lofted ball to set up Civello for the 6^th goal against The Grand.

Lowest point: His performance in the collective shambles vs Dudley’s Breakfast

If he was a professional player he would be: Andrei Arshavin – Small, skilful attacking midfielder, great just behind a powerful striker. Full of tricks with a keen eye for a pass.

End of season review: Kieran Hill

Kieran Hill

Appearances: 1

Goals: 1

Best Moment: His cool finish vs Varndean Academicals

Lowest point: His fitness waning late into the game vs Varndean Academicals

If he was a professional player he would be: Matt Le Tissier – Made an impact with skilful attacking, but wasn’t given enough of an opportunity to make more of an impression.

End of season review: John Marshall

John Marshall

Appearances: 3

Goals: 0

Best Moment: His assured defensive performances against The Grand and particularly against Brighton Arthritic.

Lowest point: His good finish vs Dudley’s Breakfast, unfortunately it was into his own goal.

If he was a professional player he would be: Gilberto Silva – solid at the back, useful coming forward. Doesn’t score many, but doesn’t need to if everyone else is doing their job.

End of season review: Sam Parish

Sam Parish

Appearances:1

Goals: 0

Best Moment:Making his debut for the Ghosts against all odds, responding to a late call up and contributing good defensive play.

Lowest point:Being late for the Ghosts game due to traffic problems, leaving the rest of the team under Ghosted.

If he was a professional player he would be: Dong Fanzhuo – Lots of effort went into adding him to the squad, but he sadly only played a minimal amount.

End of season review: Ollie Lauria

Ollie Lauria

Appearances 1

Goals 1

Best Moment His goal in the Ghosts’ first game

Lowest point His sudden inavailability an hour before the Ghosts second game

If he was a professional player he would be: Freddy Adu – After a fantastic start to his Ghosts’ career, succeeding as the youngest player on the pitch, he has vanished off the radar, unable to fulfil early promise.

End of season review

Over the next few days, club manager Ralph Miller will be releasing his end of season player reviews one by one.

Result: Ghosts of Andrés Iniesta 2-6 Varndean Academicals

The Ghosts' final game ended in a disappointing 6-2 defeat tonight. The Ghosts, brimming with confidence after last week's victory and the return of messianic hero Tom Stewart, came out with their heads held high, piling on the early pressure after the referee started the game before Varndean had emerged onto the pitch.

The gentlemanly Ghosts were somewhat thrown by the empty goal and complete lack of opposition, but decided not to take an unsporting advantage, instead they passed the ball amongst themselves as, one-by-one, the Academicals flooded onto the playing field.

Once the game got going properly, new signing Kieran Hill and top scorer Brett Crossingham began to rekindle the successful partnership they had shared when together at Wembley Maccas. They combined well to force some early chances and put the Academical defence under pressure.

It wasn't long before they had forced a goal. Good work from Hill gave him a sight on goal. His low shot was saved by the diving keeper, but Crossingham's follow-up wasn't. He smashed home for his 10th goal of the season. 1-0 to the Ghosts.

That was the way it stayed for much of the first half. Although they created some great chances, the Academicals were unable to find a finishing touch. It was only as the half drew to an end that the Ghosts began to tire. Making a substitution whilst defending a corner is never recommended and as Miller trotted off he regretted the decision. With the marking responsibilities unclear the Academicals took advantage to equalise.

Varndean then took their turn to dominate and showed their experience by exploiting every chance they got, with a little help from Tom Stewart who slammed home an excellent low shot into his own net. The talismanic defender was so frustrated at his own goal, he again showed his shooting prowess by smashing a nearby water bottle against the metal shed behind the posts. By the time the half time whistle was blown, the Ghosts were 4-1 down.

After the change of ends, the Ghosts were able to regain some composure and they kept the pressure on. It wasn't all one way, however, and Gill was forced into making a number of saves. Indeed as the game wore on Gill saw more and more of the ball, making mazy runs and coming close a number of times. Miller also saw two shots saved and hit the post after messing up a front post volley.

Edmonds played well down the right and at one point took the ball passed his man and another before his shot was saved. Poltergeists willed Edmonds to score, but unfortunately it wasn't to be. In fact that was as good as it got for the Ghosts. Before long it was 6-1. If you'll excuse the rather apt pun, it seemed that they had 'given up the ghost'.

Kieran Hill made sure he had something to take home with him, however, after he scored late on to restore a shred of dignity to the scoreline. The game finished 6-2. Overall though, it was a poor performance by the Ghosts and a disappointing end to the season.

The Ghosts are now relegated after finishing in 7th place and Dermot O'Leary was heard loudly calling for Ralph Miller's head at the final whistle. Rob Edmonds said "That was definately our worst performance". He quickly corrected himself after being reminded of the Dudley's Breakfast debacle. "Well our second worst performance".

Ralph Miller said "it's been a tough old season. We've had our ups and our downs... mainly downs. Actually pretty much exclusively downs, but we've had fun and we've lit up the pitch invasion Monday Late Division One like it has never been before. The Ghosts will never haunt again, but they wont be forgotten".

Team:

Gill; Miller; Edmonds; Hill, Crossingham

Roll on sub:

Stewart

Scorers:

Crossingham - 1

Hill - 1

Other results:

Brighton Arthritic 3-3 Unreal Madrid

Dudley's Breakfast 3-0 The Grand

Red Snapper 2-0 RS2

Final positions:

1. RS2 18

2. Dudley's Breakfast 16

3. Red Snapper 15

4. Unreal Madrid 11

5. Varndean Academicals 7

6. Brighton Arthritic 7

7. The Ghosts 4

8. The Grand 2

The Ghosts scored 17 goals and conceded 38.

Ghost ruled out

"The lord giveth with one hand and taketh away with the other". The first words of Ralph Miller's final press conference before the game. He was referring to the final changes before tonight's clash with Varndean Academicals. "Tom Stewart is back in the squad, but John Marshall is not".

Marshall, who has been spotted partying for much of the past few days at a dance festival near Winchester, was not included in Miller's final squad. "I'm not talking about the reasons for John's exclusion" said Miller, "All I'll say is that John wants to apologise to the fans for missing this game and that he is close to exhaustion".

"We tried in vain to get a few last minute replacements, but we'll have to play with 6".

It is thought Miller, who had already secured the late signing of Kieran Hill, was pulling the same strings to secure the signing of former Maccas defender Clark Leake-Lyall, although it appears that the deal will not go through. Sam Doctors, another possible replacement, has failed a late fitness test.

Miller explained that John's absence means the Ghosts will not be able to try the rotating defence/offence unit tactic previewed in training this week.

The final squad:

Rob Gill

Tom Stewart

Ralph Miller

Rob Edmonds

Kieran Hill

Brett Crossingham (c)

Player of the week Announced

For the second time this season, Alex Civello was the winner of the Ghosts' player of the week award. Civello put in a barnstorming performance in his final game, the Ghosts' 'demolition job' against Brighton Arthritic.

Civello will be sorely missed for tonight's MentalMondayTM clash with Varndean Academicals. Civello has embarked upon a national farewell tour ahead of his six-week stint in Brazil.

Alex racked up 26% of the vote in an unusually open poll.

The Result in full:

1. Civello - 26%

2. Edmonds & Crossingham - both 21%

4. Miller, Southby & Gill - all 10%

7. Marshall - 0%

Stewart- "It's good to be back"

Sexy playmate, Tom Stewart, has revealed his delight at returning to the Haunted House for the final crunch relegation decider on MentalMonday(tm).

"It's great, i've never been happier" He yelped at a press conference several minutes ago "My life is not complete without the football club, that's simple. I am "Mr Ghosts", that's a simple fact. I am this club, and this club is me, we cannot live without each other."

Stewart initially walked out on the Ghosts in spectacular fashion, unable to cope with supporter pressure

"Yeah, i let it get to me, but now i return as a player, not a manager, the pressure i off me and i ready to single-handedly save this club from relegation."

Stewart joins the club at a great time, as key players Alex Civello and Kris Southby both miss tonights clash, citing 'personal issues'. Stand in gaffer, Ralph Miller has had to call in several favours and has managed to capture former Blatchington Mill superstar, Kieran Hill, who joins Stewart in tonights line up

Ghosts squad (from):- Gill, Robert; Miller, Ralph; Stewart, Tom; Edmonds, Rob; Crossingham, Brett; Hill, Kieran; Marshall, John

Kick-off is at 9.20pm, tickets ARE still on sale and are priced at £56 for adults, £98 for juniors, £132 for Communists (must provide ID); £43.50 for O.A.P's/N.U.S, FREE for Poltergeist Members

The game is also available on Sky Box Office for £342

EASTER SUNDAY II- PHOTO GALLERY

Partying goes on throughout the night, and proves to much for Lindsay Lohan (above)

Crowds flock to designated communal celebration zones

O'Leary: "Worst day of my life"

Stewart Fan Club Chairperson, Nigella Lawson, "Delighted" at news

Fans rejoice as news filters through

EASTER SUNDAY II- EXCLUSIVE STATEMENT

Tempramental Diva, Tom Stewart is set to make a sensational return to the Ghosts for the relegation clash tomorrow.

Stewart had been away on missionary work in the North East of England but a bitter sex scandal in the area has left the former 'Mr. Portslade' fleeing back to the sanctury of Brighton.

Fans have compared the event to the resurection of Jesus Christ, and some have even claimed it a far bigger and more important occasion.

"It's huge, the way he came out of that cave, i mean, there was a rock in front of it! How did he do it?!" One (female) fan screeched.

So far news from both camps has been minimal, but the Ghosts have announced a press conference for tomorrow at 12 Noon.

Result: Ghosts of Andrés Iniesta 2-1 Brighton Arthritic

The Ghosts claimed their first ever victory this evening after a fantastic team performance. The Illusionistas put a bad week behind them for a mature and disciplined 'demolition job' against Brighton Arthritic.

The historic game began brightly for the Ghosts with fast-paced dynamic moves and good structured play. Their opponents were no wilting violets, however, and came close on several occasions. The first effort came from a dangerous Arthritic counter-attack which required a good save from Rob Gill.

However, the Ghosts were soon controlling possession, and the pressure was clearly telling on a mentally weak Arthritic team. Good Ghostly work down the left wing gave the Illusionistas a great opportunity. A good cross from Alex Civello struck the hand of an Arthritic defender who smashed the ball across three pitches in frustration. When the referee questioned this indiscipline, he was served up a barrage of expletives by the aggressive defender. The abusive language did the defender no favours and a clearly incensed referee sin-binned the Arthritic player for 5 minutes.

The extra man gave the Ghosts an opportunity to dominate possession, which they did. Coming close several times. They were, however, unable to make their domination count and after 5 minutes with 4 men, Arthritic welcomed their defender back to the field with the scoreboard still empty.

The Ghosts were not put off though, and soon took the lead. An inaccurate ball over the top of the Arthritic defence looked a lost cause, until Crossingham used his physical presence to overpower the keeper. The ball ran lose, but the clash with the opposition's custodian had left Crossingham facing the other way. Fans and substitutes sensed the chance had gone. They needn't have worried... Crossingham cooly back-heeled the ball into the empty net for his ninth goal of the season. 1-0 to the Ghosts.

The Ghosts continued to press but the final touch was just lacking. Miller's slotted shot veered wide, Southby and Civello also came close.

The Ghoulish defence was on fire and kept Brighton Arthritic at bay. There seemed a greater structure to the play and John Marshall, Ralph Miller and Alex Civello all took turns to play sweeper across the back, while Rob Edmonds, Kris Southby and Brett Crossingham defended valiantly from the front. Rob Gill was an assured presence in goal. However, after a few quick substitutions, some of the structure and cohesion was lost. With defensive stalwart Civello off the field, a quick passing move by Brighton Arthritic undid the defence giving them the chance capitalise on a lack of communication between keeper and defence to level the scores. It was against the run of play and a big disappointment, but the Ghosts, who have mentally collapsed after similar goals in recent games, soon regrouped and continued to dominate possession until half time.

At the interval, the Ghosts were level, but they knew their performance merited more. It was a Ghoulishly confident side that came out for the second half, knowing they could haunt their Arthritic victims.

It became obvious that the Ghosts were winning the mental battle, when tight man-marking and phanter (physical banter) from Ralph Miller on Arthritic's star striker unsettled the talisman. He couldn't get past Miller, who followed his every move about the pitch. The striker's constant complaining began to annoy the strict referee who called the two players over to threaten them with the dreaded sin bin. It was at this moment that the psychological gulf between the teams became evident. Miller politely listened to the referee and apologised while the Arthritic striker continued to sulk.

The Ghosts were dominating play and finally achieved their breakthrough when fans favourite Rob Edmonds played a brilliant curved ball through the Arthritic defence. As the ball spun away from the defenders, gasps were heard around the ground... it seemed every thing was moving in slow motion. Everything that was, except Alex Civello, who ran in to slot the ball home with ease. 2-1 to the Ghosts with 7 minutes to go!

Moments later the duo who had combined so beautifully for the Ghosts' second goal created another fantastic chance. Civello's low slotted cross beating the defence and keeper to fall to Rob Edmonds, who, not being one to break with tradition, slotted just over. It was a difficult chance and surely Edmonds' first goal is a matter of when and not if.

Without the two-goal cushion the Ghosts unwisely continued to stream forward in search of a third. They were very nearly punished when a swift Arthritic attack fell to their star striker on the edge of the area. His powerful shot seemed destined for the top corner, but Rob Gill knew better, he jumped as if to punch it over, only to maneuver himself out of the way as a good effort whistled over the bar without so much as a corner conceded.

This was the warning shot the Ghosts needed and the defensive A-team streamed on to the pitch with attackers Southby and Crossingham sacrificed for their more defensive minded contemporaries. The Ghosts saw out the last minute of the game with few problems and as John Marshall rounded an attacker to play a lofted ball to Miller, the whistle everyone had been waiting for finally came. The Ghosts had won.

Joy filled the ground and Alex Civello said "I was proud to be a Ghost", but there was one person who wasn't there to enjoy the moment. The Ghosts' mercurial former manager had missed the Ghosts' greatest game. If any type of being was to remember colleagues who are no longer with them it would be Ghosts and in the post-match photocall, the team unanimously dedicated their victory to their fallen comrade Tom Stewart.

Miller said "It is like a building project. While it's going on it's ugly and it's hard work. Those who put the most in never get the recognition, but when the building is built those who completed it are lapped with praise. We must not forget that Tom Stewart laid the foundation stone in this particular architectural project".

The Ghosts Line-up:

Rob Gill; John Marshall, Alex Civello; Kris Southby; Brett Crossingham

Roll-on substitutes:

Rob Edmonds, Ralph Miller

Scorers:

Brett Crossingham - 1

Alex Civello - 1

Other results:

RS2 3-0 The Grand

Varndean Academicals 2-2 Dudley's Breakfast

Unreal Madrid 3-1 FC Red Snapper

League table going into last game

Team P W D L Pts

1. RS2 6 6 0 0 18

2. Dudley's 6 4 1 1 13

3. Red Snap 6 4 0 2 12

4. Unreal M 6 3 1 2 10

5. B'ton Arth 6 2 0 4 6

6. Varn Acad 6 1 1 4 4

7. The Ghosts 6 1 1 4 4

8. The Grand 6 0 2 4 2

If the Ghosts beat Varndean Academicals they will survive relegation.

Miller demands a haunting

Caretaker manager Ralph Miller has demanded a haunting from the Ghosts ahead of their bottom of the table clash with Brighton Arthritic.

The charismatic former captain said, "We must beat Brighton Arthritic. They sound old and we are young. They say 'age over beauty', but I believe beauty will come out victorious on this occasion. We are a beautiful team. We can win".

The Ghosts have had a nightmare week, after manager Tom Stewart left the club following their 7-0 defeat to Dudley's Breakfast. However, Miller held a frank and open training session on Sunday evening and expects to see results. "We've put our troubles behind us. All we want to do is get out there and haunt Brighton Arthritic and make Tom proud. I think he will be in our hearts tonight".

The Ghosts welcome back star goalkeeper Rob Gill and defensive stalwart Alex Civello ahead of their clash with Arthritic. "This is crunch time" said Miller, "We're close to full strength and we're up for it. Most importantly, it's not windy".

The Squad:

Rob Gill

Ralph Miller

Alex Civello

John Marshall

Kris Southby

Rob Edmonds

Brett Crossingham

Player of the week Announced

John Marshall has been announced as the Ghosts' player of the week. John's award was for his performance against Dudley's Breakfast. Despite his early own goal, Marshall's much improved play was one of the only positives that could be taken from in the Ghosts' worst performance of the season last monday. The game finished 7-0 to Dudley's Breakfast.

John won 53% of the vote, coming in ahead of Kris Southby on 26% and Tom Stewart who polled 13%. Ralph Miller was the only other player to receive any votes after a terrible collective performance from the Illusionistas.

The result in full:
1. John Marshall - 53%
2. Kris Southby - 26%
3. Tom Stewart - 13%
4. Ralph Miller - 6%
5. Rob Edmonds & Brett Crossingham - both 0%

Exclusive: “I did not have sexual relations with Dermot O’Leary”- Brett Crossingham

Today Brett Crossingham has laid rest to what he calls ‘wild accusations’ that he is having a wild and passionate affair with the main poltergeist leader and full time cheeky chappy Dermot O’Leary. The past 24 hours have brought with it a tremendous tidal wave of what Brett calls ‘un-substantiated rumours’, which have single handily been the main talking point over most social networking sites. So much so that ‘twitter’ and ‘facebook’ have been forced to close down for the foreseeable future, due to the mass constraints the world wind rumour has caused to both sites. A spokesperson from ‘Facebook’ issued the following statement a short while ago:

“Well basically we are buggered. Well and truly buggered. There certainly is no two ways about it, we’re fucked. Everyone is fucked”

The ‘incident’ was said to have happened at the so called Irishman’s newly opened Fishy Fishy restaurant in Brighton, late on Friday night. Onlookers were shocked to see both Dermot and Brett “Holding hands”, whilst enjoying a bowl of freshly caught king tiger prawns. Mrs Babe’s wood, from east Brighton, was munching on some haddock at the time of the ‘incidents’ birth:

“I couldn’t believe what I was seeing. There I was munching on some haddock, I looked round and just saw Dermot and Brett laughing a giggling away like little school children. Just when it couldn’t get anymore sickening I saw them holding hands. Why the hell would two grown men hold hands? Not only that, but in a fish restaurant of all places. A fish restaurant”

Brett issued the following statement in response a short time ago:

“Can I start by just saying that Dermot and I have formed a wonderful relationship in the past weeks. But I would also have to state that I and Dermot are as straight as a roman road. Dermot has a wife and a family, as is a family man. Onlookers may have seen what they could only describe as holding hands, but this certainly was not the case. It’s basically a prolonged hand shake that myself and Dermot recently created. I can understand why people might mistake it for holding hands, but it’s simply a prolonged hand shake. The shaking movement as it were, is very minimal, so it could be mistaken for holding hands. But I hate to upset the watching world, and declare that it was just a simple newly created hand shake”.

Club Statement: Tom Stewart's departure

The Ghosts today confirmed the departure of Tom Stewart who left the club by mutual consent.

"Tom will always be in our hearts and in many ways he is like Jesus" said a club spokesperson. When asked by a journalist to expand on the comment, the spokesperson said "He had to make a great sacrifice for the good of humanity. Also he eats bread, and occasionally breaks it".

An executive told the press, "Whilst we wanted Tom to stay, he was a very divisive figure amongst our fans. Between us, we came to the decision that it is probably best he pursues other avenues".

The board have installed captain Ralph Miller as manager whilst they search for a long term replacement. Top scorer Brett Crossingham takes over as captain.

Ralph Miller said, "I have some very big shoes to fill, but I believe in the boys. I'm not going to lie, there were tears at training, but we've got to learn from these things and hopefully we'll come through the other side of this stronger".

The Ghosts have announced their preliminary squad for the game against Brighton Arthritic. Rob Gill and Alex Civello rejoin an otherwise unchanged line-up. Miller said "Rob's return is a big plus, especially after all the bad news. Rob Edmonds even smiled at training, and he was the most upset about Tom's departure. I have a few signings in mind, if we're short and I hope we can overhaul the teams above us".

Brighton Arthritic and Varndean Academicals both sit just above the relegation zone and two victories would assure safety for the Ghosts.

The Squad:
Rob Gill
Ralph Miller
Alex Civello
John Marshall
Kris Southby
Rob Edmonds
Brett Crossingham

"Stewart Leaves Press Conference" aka Terrible Tuesday, Photo Gallery

Rihanna "A Sad day for Soccer, the sporting world, and Earth in general"

Poltergeist leaders, Dermot O'Leary and Chris Moyles clearly delighted following the news

Tensions start to boil over as rival supporter groups clash

Member of The Poltergeists, determined to ruin the mood

A lifelong Ghostiac, clearly moved by the news

A melanchony mood grips the surrounding area

Lifelong Stewart fanatic, songstress Lily Allen, devastated as news filters through

A 'Devastation Shelter' created for mourning fans, unable to return to their homes due to mental discomfort

Old, young, woman, man. Stewart touched many lives

Onlookers erect umbrellas as evaporating tears cause major rainstorm

A female Ghostiac, paralysed with emotion

Female fans were affected the most

Fans describe the day as 'worst of their lives'

***OFFICIAL STATEMENT*** STEWARTS FINAL WORDS

"Today, on the 7th July, 2009, i officially cease to be manager of this great football club. It is a sad day for me, my family and my fans.

The reasons for my departure are simple. I can no longer cope with the weight of public expectation that is associated with this job. It is too much. I also refuse to be aligned with any far-right supporters group.

My 5 weeks in charge of this club have been the greatest 5 weeks of my life. It has been a roller-coaster ride of monumental proportions and every minute was like waking up next to a beautiful woman and i will certainly miss the day to day hustle and bustle of this role, but i urge the fans to fully support whomever is lucky enough to take over my role"

Result: Ghosts of Andrés Iniesta 0-7 Dudley's Breakfast

The Ghosts have announced that player/manager extraordinaire Tom Stewart has left the club by mutual consent following their embarrassing 7-0 thrashing at the hands of Dudley's Breakfast. Stewart will now spend a few days saying his goodbyes and tying up lose ends in Brighton before traveling to Newcastle. The club have neither confirmed or denied rumours that Stewart will take over as manager of recently relegated Newcastle United.

Stewart's last game is probably best forgotten. The Ghosts played abysmally from start to finish, clearly unsettled by the high winds at the Stanley Deason ArenA. Playing against the gale-force winds, the Ghosts found it difficult to build any movements, with all aerial passes traveling backwards and passes along the ground spinning about unpredictably.

The onslaught began when John Marshall's powerful pass back to his goalkeeper picked up pace and slipped home for an own goal. The second soon followed after a mix up in the defence as Ralph Miller's weak backpass was intercepted by a Dudley's Breakfast striker who neatly tapped home.

The blustery conditions led to a comedy goal for Dudley's Breakfast's third. Tom Stewart decided to leave a weak shot rolling wide, when it picked up speed and blew across the goal and into the back of the net. Two more weak goals followed in quick succession and by half time the Illusionistas were losing 5-0.

At this point Stewart was heard remarking "this is our worst performance ever" and boy was he right. The tenacious spirit shown last week was nowhere to be seen. Although the second half included a better performance, two more goals were conceded and the Ghosts failed to register for the first time. Edmonds again came close, but top scorer Crossingham was not at his usual goal-monster best.

A terrible performance left the team drained of confidence and exhausted. The only positive being that one victory will probably be enough to keep them in the division.

Stewart's last 'rabbit out of a hat' act came when he managed to organise a hasty 6-a-side testimonial against Premier League leaders Fairlight Garage. Although the exhausted Ghosts were defeated about 20-2. This match was far better than their earlier performance. Highlights included some great 'cat-like' saves from Stewart, a slick passing move finished off by Southby and a skill corner from Crossingham which involved a backwards flick straight out for a goal kick. The Ghosts' backheels were also exemplary in this fixture.

A last hurrah for a legendary manager and pin-up. He will be sorely missed by all but a small section of the militant fascist Poltergeist fans, who absolutely hated his guts. Lets just say they're cracking open the champagne in Fishy Fishy.

The Ghosts' Line up:

Stewart; Miller, Marshall; Southby; Edmonds

Roll-on roll-off substitute:

Crossingham

Other results:

FC Red Snapper 2-1 Brighton Arthritic

Varndean Academicals 2-4 RS2

Unreal Madrid P-P The Grand (Game did not take place)

Player of the week Announced

The votes are in and we can announce that Brett Crossingham's hat-trick in the 6-6 relegation battle with The Grand has secured him a hat-trick of player of the week awards.

Brett has scored 8 goals this season. He received 35% of the vote coming in ahead of debutant Kris Southby who took 21%. Rob Edmonds came in third with 14%.

The Results in full:

1. Crossingham - 35%

2. Southby - 21%

3. Edmonds - 14%

4. Civello, Marshall, Miller & Stewart- All 7%

Breaking News: Poltergeists in the Machine

The Poltergeists have struck again.

In a worrying move which sees their post-match anger turn to outright and deliberate sabotage, O'Leary's crew have sought to prevent El Ilusionistas' rendezvous with Dudley's Breakfast this evening.

Golden Boot candidate Brett Crossingham and Utilitarian (no goals) Rob Edmonds have both had their 'sick whips' tampered with, casting doubt over whether or not the super strikers can perform their dual roles as club chauffeurs. The sabotage sees Edmonds' vehicle rendered immobile, whilst Crossingham's motor must successfully pass its afternoon M.O.T if the Ghosts are to make the journey to the arena in one piece.

Fans, however, should rest assured that the players have passed their M.O.Ts with flying colours. Hopes are high that the Ghosts will overcome adversity and make it to the arena hungry for some (very late) Breakfast.

More on this story as it develops.

Team News vs Dudley's Breakfast

The Ghosts have announced one change ahead of their clash with 3rd placed Dudley's Breakfast. former player of the week Alex Civello is unavailable. Otherwise the Ghosts name an unchanged squad. Although Dudley's Breakfast currently sit 3rd with 9 points, they have only scored 10 goals, 3 less than the tenacious Ghosts although they have conceded 16 goals less than the Illusionistas.

Provisional Squad:

Tom Stewart

Ralph Miller

John Marshall

Kris Southby

Rob Edmonds

Brett Crossingham

Stewart- "I'm Deflated" as Poltergeists condemn draw

Poltergeist Leaders, O'Leary and Blackburn- Furious after draw



Today i caught up with my hero, the "Grandpere of Flair" Tom Stewart. Stewart is hosting yet another charity function. The audience are gripped to the master speach maker, some people have collapsed from the excitement and stewards struggle to hold back swaves of screaming teenage girls. After the gig, we catch up with the rock icon backstage after he winds down after yet another world class delivery.

"It [the 6-6 draw with The Grand] was deflating to say the least. When we went 6-5 up with roughly a minute to go i thought that our moment had finally come" Stewart yelled, as he whipped off his sweaty shirt. "I thought that i could finally get the Poltergeists off my back, finally answer my critics, but no, Ralph Miller had to ruin it for me"

Stewart was beaten by a last minute goal, as Miller seemed intent on dropping 2 points, as he gleefully drove the ball into Stewarts far corner

"Ralph's behaviour disappointed me. He seemed intent on losing us the game. The rest of us were putting our all in, and Ralph just seemed not to care. I'm not angry, i'm just disappointed me. I know it's awkward for him after our recent love affair, and maybe he feels like he needs to get back at me, but this isn't the way. He's not just punishing me, but the rest of the lads, and the fans aswell. He needs to grow up"

Stewart has also had to defend his tactics, as criticism rains in from all side over his sides cavalier approach to the game

"We want to play football the right way. Just look at our 'goals scored' column. We've scored the same amount as the team that's top, and only one team has scored more than us. That's the way we play the game. It's just the way it is. Yes, we have the worst defence in the league, but who cares?"

Meanwhile, Poltergeist leaders Dermot O'leary and Tony Blackburn have been quick to lambast Stewart'd team selection

"Well, we're angry" O'Leary stated "All i'm saying is that we would've won had we had all English players. To have an arab as a captain is too far. Everyone knows they have bad leadership skills. I wouldn't be suprised if 'al-miller' or whatever his name is suicide bombed our next game, the cunt"

"Yeh, we're all very angry" added Blackburn "it's obvious where we're failing, and that's in the racial element of our team. It's sickening to say the least."