Stewart- "I'm Deflated" as Poltergeists condemn draw

Poltergeist Leaders, O'Leary and Blackburn- Furious after draw



Today i caught up with my hero, the "Grandpere of Flair" Tom Stewart. Stewart is hosting yet another charity function. The audience are gripped to the master speach maker, some people have collapsed from the excitement and stewards struggle to hold back swaves of screaming teenage girls. After the gig, we catch up with the rock icon backstage after he winds down after yet another world class delivery.

"It [the 6-6 draw with The Grand] was deflating to say the least. When we went 6-5 up with roughly a minute to go i thought that our moment had finally come" Stewart yelled, as he whipped off his sweaty shirt. "I thought that i could finally get the Poltergeists off my back, finally answer my critics, but no, Ralph Miller had to ruin it for me"

Stewart was beaten by a last minute goal, as Miller seemed intent on dropping 2 points, as he gleefully drove the ball into Stewarts far corner

"Ralph's behaviour disappointed me. He seemed intent on losing us the game. The rest of us were putting our all in, and Ralph just seemed not to care. I'm not angry, i'm just disappointed me. I know it's awkward for him after our recent love affair, and maybe he feels like he needs to get back at me, but this isn't the way. He's not just punishing me, but the rest of the lads, and the fans aswell. He needs to grow up"

Stewart has also had to defend his tactics, as criticism rains in from all side over his sides cavalier approach to the game

"We want to play football the right way. Just look at our 'goals scored' column. We've scored the same amount as the team that's top, and only one team has scored more than us. That's the way we play the game. It's just the way it is. Yes, we have the worst defence in the league, but who cares?"

Meanwhile, Poltergeist leaders Dermot O'leary and Tony Blackburn have been quick to lambast Stewart'd team selection

"Well, we're angry" O'Leary stated "All i'm saying is that we would've won had we had all English players. To have an arab as a captain is too far. Everyone knows they have bad leadership skills. I wouldn't be suprised if 'al-miller' or whatever his name is suicide bombed our next game, the cunt"

"Yeh, we're all very angry" added Blackburn "it's obvious where we're failing, and that's in the racial element of our team. It's sickening to say the least."

Result: Ghosts of Andrés Iniesta 6-6 The Grand

The Ghosts were able to name seven men for the first time for the clash with The Grand. With debutants Kris Southby and John Marshall included in the squad alongside the returning Tom Stewart it meant that despite the loss of mercurial goalkeeper Rob Gill, the Ghosts would have the luxury of a two substitutes. Going into this relegation dogfight there was little between to two teams, both glued to the bottom of the table without a point to their name. Indeed for the first few minutes there was little to separate the two teams.

As the sun set over the Stanley ArenA, both sides took a while to find their rhythm and get into the contest, played at a high intensity owing to the Mediterranean conditions.

The game was not without its chances and the Ghosts created a few half chances. However, after sloppy defending, The Grand snuck in to go 1-0 up. These were not the Ghosts of old, however, and the reply was almost instant, with Crossingham smashing his sixth goal of the season home to make it 1-1.

Before long it was 2-1 to the Ghosts after a good finish from Civello. Could they be about to record their first victory? The immediate answer seemed to be no, with a quick goal from The Grand making it 2-2.

We were not going to see our heroes cruise to victory and as if to underline the point, it was soon 3-2 to The Grand. This game was more like a basketball match with both sides having a whole host of chances.

With half-time approaching the Ghosts drew level at 3-3 with a slick finish from debutant Kris Southby. The defence was also doing its bit and Filipino housewife Stewart inspired confidence in his defence.

Moments from half-time, the Ghosts' answer to Mario Jardel - the free scoring Crossingham added another goal to his sizable collection to give the Ghosts a 4-3 lead as the sides changed ends.

The Ghosts had made it to half way with a lead intact and things looked good for our unholy heroes. The poltergeists could even be heard singing the names, albeit quietly, of Miller, Southby and Civello - their usual boo-boys.

It wasn't to last, and The Grand restored parity after a Ghoulish mix up in the defence, ending in a deflection off goalkeeper Stewart made it 4-4.

The complacent and tiring Ghosts spurned a number of chances with Edmonds going closest, spraying it just wide from a one-on-one. However, as the Unholy Ghosts marauded forward, The Grand were able to capitalise on a misplaced pass to take the lead at 5-4.

With time running out, the Illusionistas could see a famous victory slipping away, but they are made of sterner stuff than they were against Red Snapper and Unreal Madrid earlier in the season. After great persistence, Crossingham equalised to make it 5-5 and complete his hat-trick.

The Ghosts made a few changes to see out the draw, but a hastily brought-on Civello, re-introduced to shore up the defence, contributed stunningly at the other end. He rose, salmon-like at the back post to head home Southby's finely floated cross.... 6-5 to the Ghosts with seconds to go! Excitement at the Stanley ArenA was at boiling point. The Poltergeists and the substitutes were willing the Ghosts to hold on for a famous victory.

The Ghosts had to hold out for one last chance. From their centre, The Grand brought the ball quickly through the middle of the Ghosts and the striker had time to look up and catch a glimpse of Stewart's goal. With mere seconds on the clock, he drew the trigger....

Miller dived across to block the goal-bound shot, the ball hitting his thigh. However, the defection spun cruelly past the already diving Stewart who couldn't adjust in time. The ball spun against the post and trickled across the line to make it 6-6.

As the Ghosts launched forward, it wasn't enough, as a freekick for a foul on Southby came too late, the referee bringing the Ghosts' greatest game to an end.

The last minute equaliser was a knock-out blow for the brave Ghosts. Stewart was despondant at the end. "We played well, and that was the most dramatic end to a game I've ever played in". Southby was heard saying "that game had every thing". Although Marshall was heard contradicting his manager, saying "neither side played that well".

Although they now have their first point, it feels more like two points lost. Next week the potential Hauntees are Dudley's Breakfast.

Ghost line-up:

Stewart; Civello, Marshall; Edmonds; Crossingham

Roll-on roll-off subs:

Southby, Miller

Goalscorers:

Crossingham 3

Civello 2

Southby 1

Other results:

RS2 2-1 Unreal Madrid

Brighton Arthritic 3-4 Dudley's Breakfast

FC Red Snapper 4-1 Varndean Academicals

The Grand

For the second week running, the Grand's results have been reported wrongly or they haven't paid. Last week, they had a 2-2 draw which is now recorded as a 2-0 defeat and the week before their 9-4 defeat was later re-adjusted to 9-0. This implies either that the league has messed up on two occasions or that the real results were 9-4 and 2-2 and they didn't pay on the night, meaning their goals were removed. What ever the issue, we are now above them, going into tonight's clash. We both have 0 points but they have -15 goal difference and we have -13.

Player of the week Announced

After a week-long fans' vote, Alex Civello has been named the best player in the Ghosts last game against RS2. Civello came top of the poll with 33% after putting in a good performance on his Illusionistas debut. Captain Ralph Miller, Top Scorer Brett Crossingham and fellow debutant Rob Edmonds all came in joint second with 20% each. Keeper Gill brought up the rear with just 6% of the vote.

The Results in full:

1. Civello - 33%

2. Crossingham, Miller & Edmonds - 20% each

5. Gill - 6%

*BREAKING NEWS* Stewart faces selection as Ghosts swoop for Southby

Un-holy Ghost supremo, Tom Stewart has underlined his promotion intentions by securing the services of pint-sized trickster, Kris Southby.

The diminutive winger joins the Ghost's squad for tonights 'Morbid Monday' clash with The Grand. "He'll bring a lot to the squad. He posseses an unholy trinity of pace, skill and intellect"

Poltergeist leader, Dermot O'Leary has been quick to lambast the move "Hmmm, he's a bit dark isn't he? He doesn't look white to me. I'm sick of these darkies taking jobs from honest white folk"

Southby's signing has left Stewart with an enforced selection dilemma for tonights game, as The Grand will be haunted by 7 Ghosts

"We have a full squad for the first time. Now it's time to show this league what we're made of. They say "hell hath no fury like a ghost scorned" and we'll prove that tonight. Tonight is Morbid Monday, and we're all aware of the importance of that. I'll scientifically analyse each of our players and peform subsitutions that are planned to the nano-second"

Ghosts squad vs The Grand: Stewart, Tom; Civello, Alessandro; Edmonds-Skeleton, Robert; Miller, Ralph (c); Southby, Kris; Marshall, Sir John; Crossingham, Brett

Stewart "It's Crunch Time"

Reggae legend, Tom Stewart, has proclaimed that this coming mondays relegation decider against The Grand, is the biggest game in the clubs prestigious history.

"It's huge that's for sure. Bigger than the world cup final in my view. And World War II. I'm so excited that i've been power-wanking all day to release my pent up tension, it's unbearable, i have an erection 90% of the time. It's been tough. I watched Lily Allen's Glastonbury performance about 7 times on i-player. It's been added to my favourites and everything. I am so, so horny."

Stewart has re-affirmed his reputation as a master wheeler-dealer by bringing in diminuative winger, John Marshall, on a free transfer

"John adds an extra dimension to our team. He's disgracefully quick. Sometimes watching him makes me do a bit of sick in my mouth- he's THAT quick. But i can't wait to play alongside him, i'll just keep a bucket by the pitch incase i spontaneously empty my stomach via my mouth (be sick by the way)"

Stewart has also been quick to dismiss rumours of a bust-up with skipper Ralph Miller

"Nah, Ralph is my eyes and ears on the playing arena. I need him as much as he needs me. He's my right hand man (in more ways than one- wink). No but really, he has wanked me off. But no, we haven't fallen out at all, we shared a bed (and Brett Crossingham aswell) last night. He idolises me and has aspirations to follow in my footsteps. We're really in love and extremely happy."

Stewart replaces want-away goalkeeper Rob Gill, as he takes stage in between the ghoulish sticks this monday.

"I'm really disappointed with Rob. His behaviour has disgusted me. It caused me to perform a tearful wank. Not really, he's just going to Exeter. It's fine. But i am in goal on monday. BYE!"

Team News vs The Grand

The Ghosts have announced their provisional squad for their relegation crunch game with The Grand. The headline story is that fans favourite and flair goalkeeper Rob Gill is unavailable. Tom Stewart acted quickly to placate the furious Poltergeists by including crafty winger John Marshall in the squad for the first time.

John, known to fans as 'Further John' for his proficiency at Further Maths A-Level (and his ability to take the ball further up the wing than most), will add depth to the creative play and give the Ghosts an extra dimension.

Tom Stewart returns to the squad after recovering from his assassination attempt and will take Gill's place between the sticks. The rest of the squad remains unchanged, which means the Ghosts will be able to use a substitute for the first time, which will no doubt help a team, known for running out of energy in their high octane encounters.

Ralph Miller said, "it's a massive blow to lose Rob. However, John is a great player and I look forward to having the extra man for Monday".

The provisional squad:

Tom Stewart

Alex Civello

Ralph Miller

John Marshall

Rob Edmonds

Brett Crossingham

The Rumour Mill(er)

In scenes reminiscent of the Plaxico Burress fiasco, seasoned Ilusionista Ralph Miller was last night spotted leaving a popular Lahore nightclub with a cohort of suspected Poltergeist associates. It is believed that the Ghosts' captain and father figure went AWOL after taking the recent defeat at the hands of RS2 particularly badly. He was seen partying with his heroes Ne-Yo and Hasan Sas well into the small hours and left the club looking a little worse for wear. It is thought that no one was injured during the incident, with onlookers describing the party as 'banging', and Miller as 'the ultimate party animal: a machine'.




Stewart: "We don't do cloning..."

With echoes of the scandal that rocked the Ghosts six months ago, there is speculation that realistic clones may once again have been used as decoys to aid Miller's departure. These allegations - originally brought by the Channel 4 documentary 'Dispatches: There's more than one Ralph Miller' (a potentially distressing excerpt of which is posted below) - have been rebuked by Stewart, who emphatically stated, "We don't do drugs, and we don't do cloning. Except 'roids. Besides, Ghosts can't have ghosts! Simples". This will come as welcome news to fans who have already seen the resolve of the club tested to breaking point this week as renegade Poltergeist factions have upped their demands for Stewart's head.



Whilst they can rest assured that genetic engineering is not being practiced at the club, questions over Miller's stint of leave remain unanswered, though the stalwart midfielder has today issued a full and inspiring apology:

"Beating RS2 is one of my biggest dreams and losing was a massive blow. However, no matter how disappointed I was, it does not excuse my behaviour later in the evening.

I may be young, but my actions were a poor error of judgment and something I deeply regret. I want to apologise to the club and the fans for letting them and myself down. I cannot change the past, but will learn from my mistakes.

Tuesday night is behind me now and I want to use my energy to fully focus on our upcoming game with The Grand on Monday." Source: The Guardian.


"It weren't me guv!"

In other news, new signings Civello and Edmonds have sought to distance themselves from the ongoing group sex allegations which are currently dogging (ed: sorry) long-term absentees Stadden and Doccy. The Lord Justice presiding over the case has imposed a ban on the divulgence of any details, suffice to say that they are shocking and highly deplorable. In a meeting with the press, Nando and Edmo issued a brief statement with the support of Gaffer Stewart - "It weren't me guv!", the pair chortled to raucous applause from the assembled crowd.

The Ghosts' will be hoping that this positive news will help shore up their chances of ending their all-game losing streak with victory over The Grand in Monday night's grudge match. A tactical reshuffle is expected to see Stewart or Edmonds grace the space between the posts in a move that will free up Rob 'Ronaldo' Gill for more of his trademark weaving runs. This, combined with Miller's newly steadied grip at the helm of team Ilusionista should see the Ghosts deliver The Grand a full-on haunting, pacifying the Poltergeists in the process.

Stewart "My Injury Hell"

Leicester rock god, Tom Stewart has finally spoken out about his injury hell.

The influential stunner caught up with me at his spacious mansion yesterday for an informal chat. His butler beckons me in after i drive up his long drive. Stewart has decided that the interview would be best conducted in the informal environment of his bed. I am marshalled up a spiral staircase, my heart is beating faster than ever as beads of sweat pour from my brow. I enter his bedroom just as a familiar face- TV chef Nigella Lawson, leaves.

"Hi" whispers Stewart, as he changes his sheets "Take a seat" he says, as he pats his bed, inviting me in.

The interview starts in jovial fashion, banter is bouncing back and forth, like an unholy game of tennis until we get down to the real business in hand.

Stewart is currently out of action after a savage assanination attempt left him essentially knee-less.

"It's been really distressing" Stewart proclaimed, clad in his Ghosts tracksuit and a trilby hat "i've been through an assanination attempt before, when the IRA tried to run me over, and i vowed that it'd never happen again. For my family to go through that caused me a great deal of trauma, and for it to happen again left me feeling that i wished they'd finished me off"

Far-right supporters group- "The Poltergeists" have taken credit for the attack, said to be linked to Stewart's decision to drop their idol, Sam Parish.

"I can understand their frustration. Sam is their idol, i know that, everyone with half a brain cell knows that. What they don't know, however, is that Sam is a huge steroid addict. We were lucky to get away with it last week, and we can't risk having him failing a drug test and being banned. We're sending him through an intensive rehabilitation regime and we hope that he'll be back before long. "

Stewart prowled the touchlines like a caged animal ready to pounce during yesterdays 4-1 defeat at the hands of his famous fathers club, RS2

"No-one can comprehend how frustating it was. Management is my natural progression but i'm not ready to hang up my boots just yet. To not be out there in the trenches, involved in close combat. I'm the team's general, their idol, they worship me and i want to be leading from the front, taking the blows, trading punches. That's what i crave from life. Not to be marshalling from the sidelines. The fact that it was against my famous fathers former club made it even harder, i was itching to get out there."

I can see tears forming in his eyes, he is clearly distressed. Something in me feels for him, and i can't help but embrace him. Stewart is clearly an insecure man and needs a father figure in his life, i can be that man. We lie there for what seems an eternity in each others arms, i have never been this comfortable, both physically and mentally.

We part from each others arms, waves of electricity bounding between us, we gaze into each others eyes and meet each others lips. His soft lips pressed against mine as he caresses my body


ONLY JOKING

bye xx

RESULT: Ghosts of Andrés Iniesta 1-4 RS2

Another week another defeat for the Ghosts. This week's exorcisers were league leaders RS2. However, despite the defeat, it wasn't all doom and gloom, as Ghostie fanatics got their first look at Alex Civello and Rob Edmonds both making their first appearance in the ghoulish grey-blue of the Illusionistas.

This week's pre-match crisis was an injury to superstar water-carrier and pin-up Tom Stewart. Poltergeist supporters had noticed that Stewart had reneged on his promise to remain unshaven until he could force a Ghostly victory and took direct action. This morning, Stewart was lucky to survive a violent hammer attack to the knee.

While unable to play he was able to test out the fantastic dugout facilities at the Stanley Deason ArenA as he commanded his troops from the bench.

RS2 are the league leaders and started this clash confidently. The defence, sured up by Civello was more resilient than in recent weeks and the Ghosts more than held their own in the early stages.

Whilst creating little, they held of the early attacks from RS2.

Eventually the breakthrough came and The Ghosts were supremely unlucky with RS2's first goal, which came from a shot from a tight angle bouncing off the post, hitting goalkeeper Gill on the back of the leg and trickling across the line.

Moments before half time the Ghosts came within a whisker of equalizing. Miller's low hard shot from the right wing was punched by the opposition goalkeeper to the feet of Rob Edmonds yards from the goal. He was, however, unable to adjust his body quick enough and his effort skidded just past the left post.

Seconds later RS2 had a chance to double their lead, with their striker through for a one-on-one, Rob Gill cleverly committed a professional foul sliding in to tackle (breaking the no-slide tackle rule). He gave away a free kick but prevented a certain goal.

The Ghosts could hold their heads high, only trailing to a lucky goal. However, the sucker punch was soon to be felt with RS2's second and third goals coming soon after half time. Although 3-0 flattered RS2, the Ghosts' defence was brutally exposed by the League leaders' fast-flowing counter attacks.

The heads of the Ghosts clearly dropped. Despite the encouragement of gaffer Tom Stewart, they were lacking in the final third.

However, top scorer Brett Crossingham was able to exploit a defensive mistake after pressuring the defender into making a weak backpass. Nicking in between goalkeeper and defender, latching onto the misplaced pass to smash home for his fifth goal of the season.

The Ghosts sensed a comeback and took control of the game. Civello and Crossingham both firing inches over. The also came close when Crossingham was heavily fouled, firing over from the resultant free kick. As the Ghosts pressed, their opponents were clearly rattled and on one occasion smashed a clearance straight into the genitals of a player warming up on the touchline for the next game. This led to a small fracas as RS2's players argued that the game should be stopped. This was a red rag to Rob Edmonds' bull and he nicked the ball of the time-wasting RS2 player to quickly take the throw. Whilst RS2 players complained in vain to the referee that the slightly uncomforted spectator was a reason to stop play, the Ghosts again came close.

In the final minute the tired Ghosts conceded their fourth as lax defending let in RS2's towering defender to score.

The end of the game brought no respite for the Ghosts who had to contend with and eventually flee an unknown violent creature intent on attacking El Illusionistas. This creature was in many ways similar to a hornet.

During the post-match inquiry, Civello said "We weren't fit enough, simple as that".

This was the Ghosts' third consecutive defeat, and although the score, yet again, didn't reflect the course of the game, many areas of Ghostly play are in need of improvement. Today's other results, which included a point for relegation rivals The Grand only make next weeks clash with the aforementioned team a do-or-die fixture.

Ghosts line-up:

Gill; Civello, Miller; Edmonds; Crossingham

Scorers:

Crossingham 1

Other Results:

Varndean Academicals 1-2 Brighton Arthritic

Unreal Madrid 1-2 Dudley's Breakfast

FC Red Snapper 2-2 The Grand

Player of the week Announced

For the second consecutive week, Brett Crossingham has been voted player of the week. His victory comes as no surprise after he scored a hatrick in the Ghosts' last outing. Crossingham is the Illusionistas top scorer with 4 goals from 2 games.

Flair keeper Rob Gill, emergency loanee and posterboy Sam Parish and Top earner/player/manager/renaissance man Tom Stewart all came joint second with 20% of the votes.

The Results in Full:

1. Brett Crossingham - 33%

2. Rob Gill, Sam Parish & Tom Stewart - All 20%

5. Ralph Miller - 6%

Stewart Survives Another Assanination Attempt

34-DD Stunner, Tom Stewart has survived yet another assanination attempt, this time at the hands of Ghosts supporters group, The Poltergeists.

Stewart will now miss tonights clash with his former club, RS2.

The Poltergeists were furious with Stewart for dropping their poster boy, Sam Parish, and targeted Stewart at his 58-acre mansion this morning. Poltergeist leader, celebrity 'nice guy' Dermot O'Leary has refused to comment, but the group have released a statement on their Website confirming that they were behind the attack.

more comment to follow.....

Team News vs RS2

With four days to go, the Ghosts have announced that Illusionista fans will get their first chance to see Alex Civello and Rob Edmonds, both of whom have been included in the squad for Monday's clash with League leaders RS2.

The news comes as a league correction changes the score between The Grand and Varndean Academicals from 4-9 to 0-9. This now means the Ghosts climb a place and no longer hold the worst goal difference in the league.

As yet uncapped Italian Alex Civello has played for a number of teams down the years, including Bristol Vets, The Royal Veterinary College and Wembley Maccas. Civello can play in both defence and up front and is known affectionately as Chiv or Nando.

Journeyman pro Edmonds is best known from his season with the Maccas, where he was largely employed on in attacking positions. Cricket fans may remember him from his years as a wicketkeeper for various clubs in the Sussex area. Edmonds is known to team mates and fans alike by the monikers Skeletor, Edmo, Robson and Robaldinho Santos.

While most fans are overjoyed to see two of their heroes available for selection, it is thought some members of the small but vocal Poltergeist section of fans are angry to see the club diluting the blood of the team.

In other team news, fans have been rocked by a rumour circulating on several websites based in in the Balkans that Tom Stewart has been offered Bahraini citizenship in order to bolster their ranks ahead of their crunch World Cup Qualifying match with Saudi Arabia, scheduled for September 5th. The club has yet to issue a denial and Stewart is known to have recently signed a contract with Simon Fuller allowing him to exploit his image in the lucrative middle eastern market.

Uzbek champions Bunyodkor are said to be interested in uniting flair goalkeeper Rob Gill with their star striker Rivaldo. Although this has been denied by their new manager Luiz Felipe Scolari.

The provisional squad for the game against RS2:

Rob Gill

Tom Stewart

Alex Civello

Ralph Miller

Rob Edmonds

Brett Crossingham

Stewart Creates New Image

They say in journalism never to meet your heroes. Unfortunately for me i was forced to take this test this week, as i caught up with my hero, Ghosts Player-Manager, Tom Stewart. He was hosting an event for one of the many charities that he is patron of. The legendary "grandpere of flair" was kind enough to give us a few minutes of his precious time.

He wades into a small room, dressed in an ill-fitting suit and smelling of bad aftershave. Years of drug and alcohol abuse have left the one time Player of the Week looking fairly worse for wear, he still possesses that legendary cheeky smile and cocky demenour, however. We shake hands and introduce ourselves, his handshake is firm but clammy, he seems very eager to conduct this interview. His fall from grace means that he is not as much in the media spotlight as he once was.

Firstly i ask him about his feelings for this season with the Ghosts, and about the burden of carrying his fathers Pitch Invasion legacy

"It's hard that for sure" He says in a smooth, husky tone "My father is a Pitch Invasion legend, and its hard for me to compete with that. Opposing players will see the surname 'Stewart' and expect a lot, my father was a goal machine in this league and i'm just not that type of player"

Tom's father, Simon, was part of a hugely successful RS2 side in a career that spanned two wonderful decades. Tom and the rest of the Ghosts face his fathers former side next monday, and will aim to bounce back after two straight defeats

"We've struggled with injuries in our first two games, and have had a hard time simply getting a team together. We'll have Rob Edmonds and Alessandro Civello back in our side for next week, which will be a huge bonus. It will be strange facing RS2, i have been a huge fan of their's since i was a wee lad, and i even played for them several times. To score against them will leave me with mixed emotions, that's for sure. When the fixture list came out it was the first result i looked out for, this means so much to me. I know a few of their lads still from my time there so i know their strengths and weaknesses."

One thing visibally missing from Stewart's image today is his famous beard, which he vowed not to remove until the Ghosts won a game this season

"lol! yeah, i did say that, but the truth is it was affecting my chances of modelling work, which now represents a large chunk of my income, i have a family to support and that comes first. It will probably disappoint the fans, especially the female ones, but i have to do what's best for my son"

At this point, the interview is interupted, as the members of the girlgroup "The Saturdays" enter the room, they have specifically requested to see Stewart and congratulate him on his earlier speech. Stewart is clearly flustered, and asks if we can put the interview on hold for half an hour or so. Tom leaves the room with the girls, and returns half an hour later. His cheeks are rosey, and he gives me a sly wink as he returns to his seat "sorry about that, where were we?"

I then go on to ask him how he has coped with the added responsibility of carrying out dual tasks of player and manager

"it's ok i guess, i mean, i have the famous 'Poltergeists' calling for my head every week, but i learn to block it out. I'm taking to this now, it's taking me back to when i was a virgin, my first few times were rubbish, but after that- bam! away i went, i feel this is how i will take to management. I think i've still got the legs to do a decent job on the pitch, i was outpaced in the first game but i'm getting fitter as we speak" Stewart says, as he does some weights, he is now topless with a towel around his neck, beads of sweat are gushing from his chiselled torso, it is clear to say how he won "Body of the Year" eight years in a row. He get's up, and proclaims that he needs to grab a shower, and asks me to join him. We stand there both naked, i can't help but admire his monumental penis, which is glistening with sweat, glistening so hard i am almost blinded. We step into the cubicles, and are alone, i'm not even sure anyone else was in the building.

Both of our shower heads are on, hot water cascading over our naked bodies as we stand side by side, scrubbing in unison.

"Care to do my back?" He cheekily asks

"Only if you do mine back" I reply

I lather up some soap and run my hands over his muscular back, moans of ecstacy escape from his mouth as i massage the soap into him

"Lower" He says. I run my hands down his spine and make my way to his legendary buttocks, they're even better than i imagined. I part his cheeks and go down on my knees and begin to work his tight hole with my tongue.

-----------------------------------------------------------

Then i awake, it was all a dream. I'm not even a journalist. But if meeting your heroes is any as good as that dream, i want to do it every day.

Stewart hits back at Haunted House 'boo boys'

Volumptuous beauty, Tom Stewart has hit back at a section of vocal Ghostiacs following the Illusionistas 6-4 defeat at the hands of Unreal Madrid.

Stewart and co. were pelted with various objects and were subjected to a torrent of vicious abuse from a militant far-right section of the Ghosts fans, known as the 'Poltergeists'.

"It just wasn't right." Wept Stewart "Just not right. No human being should be subjected to that, ever. I felt like a passenger on a 7/7 bus and they were the suicide bombers. It was horrible. I know that the Ghostiacs expect a lot from us, but we demand patience- immediatly."

The Ghosts are now in trouble with league officials after sections of the crowd were heard racially abusing captain Ralph Miller

"i'm not too bothered about that. Although he looks like a portugese lesbian/middle eastern cafe owner, he's actually just English"

Stewart has also gone into overdrive in defending bad-boy midfielder Ollie Lauria, who's troubled past has caught up with him as he is once again gripped in a bitter gambling scandal.

"Sections of the crowd were furious with him, they demand loyalty from their players in a way i've never witnessed in all of my days as a player"

Livid fans camped outside Lauria's house, and at one point threatened to blow it up, as one Poltergeist strapped explosives to himself

"Yeah, they do go a bit far sometimes don't they! All i can ask is that the fans can forgive him, it's not a big deal is it? Get over it yeah? Fucks sake."

RESULT: Ghosts of Andrés Iniesta 4-6 Unreal Madrid

There was bitter disappointment as the Ghosts slumped to their second consecutive defeat at the hands of Unreal Madrid.

El Illusionistas were hoping to build on a good performance but poor result in their previous outing and had reason to be hopeful against a team that had dropped down from the league above last season.

The Ghosts, however, could not have had a more fraught build up to the game. With big name players Alex Civello, Peter Stadden, John Marshall and Rob Edmonds still unavailable and Sam Doctors still several weeks from returning from injury, the Ghosts were set to start with an unchanged line-up having extended emergency loanee Ollie Lauria's contract for a second game. Hours before kick-off the Ghosts were plunged into chaos as Lauria was declared unavailable owing to an as yet unconfirmed scandal, thought to be related to the high street gambling company Ladbrokes.

Hundreds of calls were made in an attempt to secure a last minute loanee, with players as far away as London, Durham and even Dublin contacted. Eventually one-time Team Yeboah and Xpression FM FC star Sam Parish agreed to step in.

Despite having secured Parish's services, the pre-match crises were not over, as traffic problems led to the Ghosts only just making the ground in time. As they warmed up, Parish was still nowhere to be seen. He was also stuck in traffic.

Eager to get the game started, the referee was not willing to wait and the Ghosts were forced to start with 4 men. From the start, they were under the cosh, yet the resilient Ghosts defended bravely, frustrating the opposition and restricting them to long shots.

After a quarter of the game, Unreal Madrid eventually broke through against the four ghosts. Wrong footing the defence with quick passing. However, within a minute, last week's best player, Brett Crossingham had equalized, forcing his way past defenders and smashing low into the corner of the net.

After drawing level, the Ghosts bravely held out, but the extra man and the sweltering heat soon began to tell as the constant pressure eventually allowed Unreal Madrid to force a second. The three outfield Illusionistas pressed hard against their five opponents, coming close to a second equalizer several times. However, Unreal Madrid soon capitalised with a quick break to score their third.

Last minute loanee Sam Parish then arrived and quickly pulled on his grey top to fill the Ghosts' remaining haunting slot. The relief of having an extra man meant the Ghosts relaxed and with a lack of positional sense and no time to re-adjust their tactics, the Ghosts let in a fourth.

They were, however, now able to build movements and, like last week, Rob Gill began to make runs up the pitch. The Ghosts man-for-man seemed stronger and Crossingham got the second after a he deflected Rob Gill's long range effort past the ailing keeper.

Moments later the tired ghosts got their respite as the referee blew for half time. The Ghosts, now replenished, were still in the game at 4-2.

Or were they? Strangely El Illusionistas came out for the second period extremely sluggishly. Several players were visibly tired, having run themselves ragged in the first half and time and time again the Ghosts were too static, giving the ball away with misplaced passes. This barren spell allowed Unreal Madrid the chance to score again, although much of their possessional dominance in this period could be put down to the six or seven backpasses they played. The referee seemed extremely content for Unreal Madrid to persistently break the rules and this only made for a terrible spectacle, as most of this third quarter was played out between Unreal Madrid's defenders and goalkeeper.

At 5-2 and looking exhausted, someone needed to take the game by the scruff of the neck. That someone was Rob Gill. Bursting out of goal, Gill got a goal back for the Ghosts in extravagant style, running out of goal down the left wing, before audaciously flicking the ball past his marker and beating the keeper with a low placed left-footed shot.

Player manager Tom Stewart was so delighted he volunteered to go in goal so that the Ghosts could exploit Gill's offensive ability. Stewart proved a more than capable keeper.

Bouyed by their comrade's exploits, the opposition goal was soon haunted more than Beaulieu Motor Museum. However, the breakthrough never came, as Unreal Madrid resorted to gamesmanship to keep the Ghosts at bay. A defender named only as 'that guy in the orange bib' persistently fouled Miller, resorted to time-wasting techniques and appealed every decision given against his team.

The forward surge of Ghosts left their own goal exposed and Unreal Madrid exploited this to grab their sixth. Crossingham restored some late pride and completed his hatrick, smashing low and hard into the net after a powerful run down the right flank.

In the end despite the obvious disappointment of the result, it was an improved performance and the Ghosts were able to score several goals.

Crossingham's goalscoring feats and Gill's dangerous runs look promising, as does the expected return of Alex Civello and Rob Edmonds in time for next week's clash with the more mature RS2.

After the game, Tom Stewart said, "we haunted them for periods", pausing to mop his brow before continuing, "They tested us out with a Ouija board in the first half, but in the end they got a priest and we were exorcised".

Both games so far have involved 10 goals, last week they got 2, this week 4, if they carry on at this rate, the Ghosts should win 6-4 next week.

They can also take faith from the fact 'The Grand' are only one goal ahead on goal difference after losing 9-4 to Varndean Academicals. The Ghosts have also scored more goals than 2 other teams and only one less than League leaders RS2 whom they meet next week.

Keep the faith.... yeah!

Ghosts Line-up:

Gill; Stewart, Miller, Parish; Crossingham

Goals:

Crossingham 3

Gill 1

Other Results:

The Grand 4-9 Varndean Academicals

Dudley's Breakfast 2-0 FC Red Snapper

Brighton Arthritic 0-3 RS2

Stewart "I Feel Better Than Ever"

Housewifes favourite, Tom Stewart, has been announced fully fit ahead of the Ghosts do-or-die clash with Unreal Madrid tonight.

Stewart once more filled the tabloids column inches, but this time not for the right reasons. Questions were asked about the legendary pin-up's fitness levels after the heavy defeat at the hands of Red Snapper.

"I've never been one to shy away from media attention" Yelled Stewart at todays press conference "Infact i thrive on it. I cut out all articles that involve me and put them on the walls of my mansion. Then i wonder around naked using the articles as masturbation aids."

Stewart has been on an intensive fitness regime this week, implemented by the clubs world class medical team

"Yeah, it's been tough. Probably the hardest i've been pushed in a long time- both mentally and physically. At times i've literally ached like a rape victim. From a really severe rape. I knew i had to do it though, it's the sacrifices we sports idols make for the love of the game. Traffic wardens love wardening traffic, and i love making offensive plays, everyone's the same really at the end of the day"

Stewart joins an unchanged side from last week's defeat. Loanee Ollie Lauria has extended his loan spell at The Haunted House Arena and the diminutive playmaker goes straight into tonights side. Ralph Miller returns from a diplomatic trip to the west country and the trio are joined by goalscorer supreme Brett Crossingham and superstar custodian Rob Gill.

The ghosts are still without a host of star names who all continue to be stricken with a mystery sexual virus.

Player of the week Announced

Last weeks best player as voted for by Illusionista fans was Brett Crossingham. Brett overwhelmingly won the poll with over half of the votes.

The full results are as follows:

1. Brett Crossingham - 56%

2. Ollie Lauria - 18%

3. Tom Stewart - 12%

4. Rob Gill and Ralph Miller - both 6%

Stewart vows to improve fitness

Superstar playmaker, Tom Stewart, has vowed to improve his recently criticised fitness levels.

Online message boards were bombarded with furious Ghostiacs lambasting the clubs top earner for his lacklustre fitness. In response to this, the former Real Salt Lake man has vowed to repay the fans faith in his by working hard in the gym.

"I can understand the fans frustration, they pay their money and deserve to see us performing at our best. I admit that my pre-season hasn't been the best, i've had a number of off-field problems to deal with that have distracted me from my training."

Stewart, who has only recently been given permission to play again after a string of drug bans, aswell as lengthy misconduct charges.

"The Honey Club incident was a low point. To get caught in possession of heroin is one thing, but to be filmed stabbing my dealer to death is a step too far. FIFA were right to give me a slap on the wrist"

'The Tominator' as he is know by his adoring followers, was repeatedly outpaced by an experienced Red Snapper attack, and he is fully aware that this can not be repeated

"Yeah, it was embarassing at times. I've never been outpaced in my life and it was hard to take. The opposing fans were abusing me for lengthy periods and i let it affect me. To be called an 'obese piece of shit' by low life like that shows how far my career has plummeted since my MLS days and my seasons in the Blue Square South. I know what i need to work on. I owe it to the club as they pay me a lot, although obviously they re-coup a lot of that in shirt sales and image rights. I will vow to work hard with an intense training regime that the coaches have given me, and i am altering my diet to a low-carb, high protein diet, with lots of isotonic drinks thrown into the mix. I'm allowed a protein shake every wednesday, and they ARE good."

Stewart is in the squad for Mondays game with Unreal Madrid. Kick off is at 8pm, and tickets are unbelievably still on sale.

“I’m not selfish”- Brett Crossingham speaks his mind, and wants to set the record straight!

I must say I didn’t know what to expect minutes before my encounter with the one they call the ‘sugar daddy'. I guess any pre conceptions I may have taken in with me, certainly didn’t follow me out of this thoroughly intriguing meeting. As I received a text on my phone from my editor very early on Tuesday morning, I was shocked and excited to see that Brett Crossingham, after months of asking had finally accepted our request to meet to be interviewed.

He requested that we’d meet him in his pent house suite of the ‘Gerkin’, in London. You might be thinking, as did I at the time, is there actually a pent house suite in the ‘Gerkin’, and yes there most certainly is. As I passed many a floor to the top of this amazing building, I started to think this guy is going to be one of the most arrogant people I’ve ever had to interview. And that worried me slightly. It worried me because of my 10 years being a journo, I’ve never interviewed someone I haven’t liked or even found remotely arrogant. Wise and clever maybe but never arrogant. And this started to play on my mind immensely. Would he react badly to any difficult question I may ask him, and if so would he hit me? As I approached the top of this stunning architectural delight, I found myself in a state of wonder and amazement of how astonishing London looked from high above. As I stood there I felt a cool breeze brush my left ear, and then the seductive, sensual words entered my ear canal, “Its amazing isn’t it…..” I knew it was him. But this was not what I was expecting at all. My head still in a fixed position still admiring the view, I replied, “It really is isn’t it”. This had to be the best groomed man I had ever met, and his cologne smelt of sweet emasculated berries. As he led me into his suite, the room was covered with the richest mahogany I had ever seen, and the smell was over powering. I could tell that this guy had money, but he also had the taste to boot. As we sunk down into his luxurious leather couch, with reactions like a cheater he managed to pull a red dainty thong from between the crack of his couch, in the same way a magician would pull a rabbit from a hat. He said with perfect comic timing “Sorry there my mums”. We both laughed in perfect harmony and he then coolly slipped them into the left pocket of his Italian silk trousers. As I asked him the first question he insisted on pouring me a glass of crystal. “This is ridiculously expensive you know”. “Yes I’m sure it is Brett, but what do you say to your fellow team mates who call you selfish? And with using Monday as a perfect example, why did you seems to be only concerned with scoring a goal and seeming not to be too concerned for the fate of the team. As the final word left my mouth, my heart skipped a beat, and then another. Would this be the moment which I was dreading, would he react in such a way I would be powerless to escape a certain beating? To my very shock and amazement, he laughed. That was not the reaction I was expecting from someone I was led to believe as the most arrogant person in Britain. “My dear I’m not selfish. And as I have told my team mates, and that’s what they are mates, I’m not selfish. Yes I did react in a way that signalled I was profoundly happy at scoring; I reacted in this way because I was indeed extremely happy. But my scoring a goal is not in the slightest bit a sign of being content. I dread losing any match, especially by the margin we did so. But this has made indeed myself and the rest of the team more eager to show what we’re made of, at that we are no push over’s. And I assure you on Monday night, when we meet ‘Unreal Madrid’, in the heat of battle. We will be wearing the grey shirt with pride, and we will haunt the opposition to death to gain victory. We will stop at nothing in doing so. Five glasses of champagne later, I finally descended in the glass lift on my way back down to reality. I then posed the question to myself in my head once more. Had I ever interviewed someone I have not like? The answer remained no.

In the Spotlight- Ralph Miller

This week, we catch up with the Ghost's workhorse midfielder, Ralph Miller.

Q: What's the best moment of your life?
A: Best moment of my life was the date I signed for the Illusionistas.

Q: Who's the best player you've played with?
A: Either Khurum Malick when I was at Old Varndeanians or Safe Hands Ali when I played for Peter Golton FC at Bhasvic.

Q: Ne-Yo or Akon
A: Ne-Yo easily

Q: Oceana or Honey
A: Well, believe it or not, I've never been to Oceana, so I guess I'd have to say Oceana.

Q: Who's the biggest joker in the changing room?
A: Probably Tom Stewart, although his humour is a little too sexual for my liking.

Q: What are your strengths as a player?
A: I'd have to say my hoofed clearances are the best asset I bring to the team.

Q: What about weaknesses?
A: I am absolutely terrible in goal. Also I'm not a great header of the ball.

Q: What's your favourite farm yard animal?
A: Probably sheep. I like the way they hunt in packs. And that they take their clothes off in the summer.

Q: What's your favourite sandwich filling?
A: I'm not called mr Chicken, Bacon and Avocado for nothing. Having said that, it's Brie and Cranberry.

Q: Who's your favourite character in 'Football Factory'?
A: The one played by Danny Dyer.... I haven't seen it.

Q: Who's your favourite member of the 2002 world cup Turkey squad?
A: Hasan Sas, without a doubt

Q: Who's the best trainer in the squad?
A: Rob Gill goes to the gym. No one else does.

Q: Who's the worst trainer in the squad?
A: Tom Stewart has been known to lie down minutes into a Stanmer sesh.

Q: Who's your favourite SPL side?
A: Kilmarnock

Q: Who's your favourite evil dictator ever?
A: Joseph-Désiré Mobutu - he was really fucked up.

Gaffers Reaction

It's been a tough few days, and probably the worst few days in my football career. The 8-2 defeat will live long in my memory and i am not afraid to admit that i have been crying myself to sleep every night since that fateful night.

But that is in the past now, we must move on and start thinking ahead to the next game. There are several positives that we can take from the game.

Firstly, we were unlucky to only score 2. We hit the woodwork several times and missed a penalty. There were also several other chances that on another day we would've scored. Some of our offensive play was breath taking and at times we were all over them like Paedo's in a playground.

Secondly, We know we have a good keeper in Rob Gill. I don't think any of the 8 can be accredited to him, and some of his solo runs were world class (especially the one that resulted in a penalty). We are striving to bring in a full time custodian into our roster, but until then we know that we can rely on Gill.

Thirdly, we will learn to cut out the mistakes that led to several of the goals. Atleast 5 of their goals were down to inexperience, as time goes on we will easily deal with these situations. We're like a recovering drug addict, and it'll take time before we're clean, we can't just go 'cold turkey'

Fourthly, we out-fitnessed them. In the last 5 minutes or so we were the fitter of the two units, and that is a good sign for the future. Our intense fitness training regime has obviously paid off.

Keep the fucking faith,

Gaffer

RESULT: FC Red Snapper 8-2 Ghosts of Andrés Iniesta F.C.

El Illusionistas got off to a slow start to the season in the pouring rain at the Stanley Deason ArenA last night, slumping to an 8-2 defeat.

The game began brightly with the Ghosts coming quickly out of the blocks. Their early play was, however, somewhat confused and irratic. Despite a few good runs, and some slick passing, the Ghosts soon fell behind. The experience and fast movement of the opposition undid the Ghosts who found themselves 3-0 down at half time.

A quick chat from Tom Stewart reinvigorated the troops who came flying out of the traps after half time. Within moments emergency loanee Ollie Lauria had reduced the deficit with a low placed shot. The Ghosts heaped on the pressure, but some great saves from the opposition keeper prevented them from increasing their goal count. As they surged forward, the Illusionistas left their defence open, leaving Stewart to mark several players. It could be said that Miller was particularly to blame for overly offensive play at this point. A few quick goals in succession made sure that the Ghosts would be starting with a defeat. They did not go without their chances, however, and Crossingham hit the woodwork on a number of occasions, Lauria going close and Miller shooting just wide several times.

A tactical adjustment allowed keeper Rob Gill the opportunity to canter out of his box and join in with general play. This gave the Ghosts more options to haunt the opposition box. One of Gill's mazy run's from goal culminated in him being fouled in the penalty box. Despite Miller tapping home the resulting rebound, the ball was called back for a penalty. Taker Crossingham later admitted the two-step penalty rule played on his mind. This was evident as he blasted over.

As the ghosts continued to press, the opposition became visibly tired, allowing the Ghosts more chances to haunt the goalkeeper, notably when Miller rounded him, only to have his shot cleared off the line for a corner by the backtracking defender.

Gill's runs were a highlight of the later part of the game, especially when he nonchalantly dinked the ball past an onrushing forward. These runs, however, left the goal empty and Red Snapper completed their rout with an 8th.

The Ghosts continued to fight until the end and Crossingham got the goal he desired in the dying seconds, smashing low into the net. His delight at the goal was so great, several players questioned whether his priority was personal glory rather than team victory. Nonetheless it was a deserved goal for the Ghosts who were not as bad as the result suggested.

As the game finished, Ralph Miller remarked, "Whilst I'm not happy with the result, it was our first game and I think we can build on the positive aspects of this game. If we had been more defensively astute we could have got something from this game". He continued saying, "I think we've learned a lot and we will be better next week. Lets go to the pub and play itbox".

The team didn't have beginner's luck, but like a drunken man playing itbox, they'll come back next week and probably lose. And do it again and again, until they're homeless.

Ghosts Line-up:

Gill; Stewart; Miller, Lauria; Crossingham

Goalscorers:

Lauria 1

Crossingham 1

BIG MATCH PREVIEW- FC RED SNAPPER

The Ghosts have been hit by a mystery virus which has wiped out several members of their all-star line up. Rob Edmonds, Alex Civello, Sam Doctors, Peter Stadden, Michael Wood and John Marshall are amongst those hit by the virus, believed to be sex related.

The Illusioistas line up with Rob Gill acting as the custodian, with Player-Manager Tom Stewart joined by familiar faces Ralph Miller and Brett Crossingham. Emergancy loanee "Olly" completes the 5.

"It's gonna be tough, no doubt about it" Proclaimed Stewart "Red Snapper are an experienced side, who will want to improve on what was a disappointing finish for them last semester. We're still inexperienced at this level and will take a few games to get used to the pace of play"

A bumper crowd is expected at the Stanley Deason Arena, and Tom Stewart expects the Ghostites to make themselves heard "It's our first game and we want to make an impression both on and off the field of play, so come along, sing your hearts out and support your heroes.....love tom xx"

Official Launch and pre-season...

The Ghosts had their official launch at Stanmer Park yesterday. As well as shooting these exclusive kit launch shots, the Ghosts took part in a training session and a warm-up match. Tom Stewart, the team's coach, kept his cards close to his chest, only summoning three of the Ghosts, to avoid the prying eyes of opposition scouts. 

Stewart was just as coy with his selection for a small-sided game against a select team which featured Ghosts' star Brett Crossingham. Crossingham featured alongside Patcham United legend Ryan and top goalkeeping prospect JJ (who is rumoured to be attracting interest from a host of top clubs, including Dagenham and Redbridge, Ipswich and Charlton Athletic). Ralph Miller and Stewart represented the Ghosts. 

It is rumoured that Stewart was so concerned about opposition scouts infiltrating the training, that he and Miller played at a deliberately deceptive low tempo.

These exclusive shots are available to be signed by your favourite stars.

Fixtures

With a slight hitch, our season begins this monday (8th June):

As there was no space in the league at the WaterHall Super ArenA, our league will take place at Stanley Deason MegaPARK inc.

We have strangely been entered in Division 1, which is below the Premier League and Championship, but above Divisions 2, 3 & 4. It appears we have done an MK Dons. Anyway... 

The fixtures take place between 8pm and 10pm every monday and are as follows:

8th June - 9.20pm: vs FC Red Snapper

15th June - 8pm: vs Unreal Madrid

22nd June - 8.40pm vs RS2

29th June - 9.20pm vs The Grand

6th July - 8pm vs Dudley's Breakfast

13th July - 8.40pm vs Brighton Arthritic

20th July - 9.20pm vs Varndean Academicals

Last Season's Division 1 looked like this:

1		The Lairds	7	5	1	1	21	11	10	16
2		Inter Menan	7	4	1	2	23	13	10	13
3		Varndean Academicals	7	4	1	2	23	16	7	13
4		Brighton Arthritic	7	3	3	1	17	10	7	12
5		Dudley's Breakfast	7	3	0	4	17	22	-5	9
6		FC Red Snapper	7	2	2	3	17	16	1	8
7		Farcelona	7	2	0	5	11	22	-11	6
8		Brown Star Belgrade	7	1	0	6	4	23	-19	3

 

with:

The Grand: Bottom - 0pts & Unreal Madrid: 2nd Bottom - 3pts Dropping down from the Championship

and:

RS2: First -15pts coming up from the league below.

We have replaced Lewes Leafers who came second in the league below with 14pts, but have left. This seems grossly unfair as two other teams finished on 14pts in that league, but that's life.

FC Red Snapper, should, theoretically, be one of the worst teams, so it is a good chance to get started with a win.

In theory, clicking on the names should show results from the other teams.