Stewart "My Injury Hell"

Leicester rock god, Tom Stewart has finally spoken out about his injury hell.

The influential stunner caught up with me at his spacious mansion yesterday for an informal chat. His butler beckons me in after i drive up his long drive. Stewart has decided that the interview would be best conducted in the informal environment of his bed. I am marshalled up a spiral staircase, my heart is beating faster than ever as beads of sweat pour from my brow. I enter his bedroom just as a familiar face- TV chef Nigella Lawson, leaves.

"Hi" whispers Stewart, as he changes his sheets "Take a seat" he says, as he pats his bed, inviting me in.

The interview starts in jovial fashion, banter is bouncing back and forth, like an unholy game of tennis until we get down to the real business in hand.

Stewart is currently out of action after a savage assanination attempt left him essentially knee-less.

"It's been really distressing" Stewart proclaimed, clad in his Ghosts tracksuit and a trilby hat "i've been through an assanination attempt before, when the IRA tried to run me over, and i vowed that it'd never happen again. For my family to go through that caused me a great deal of trauma, and for it to happen again left me feeling that i wished they'd finished me off"

Far-right supporters group- "The Poltergeists" have taken credit for the attack, said to be linked to Stewart's decision to drop their idol, Sam Parish.

"I can understand their frustration. Sam is their idol, i know that, everyone with half a brain cell knows that. What they don't know, however, is that Sam is a huge steroid addict. We were lucky to get away with it last week, and we can't risk having him failing a drug test and being banned. We're sending him through an intensive rehabilitation regime and we hope that he'll be back before long. "

Stewart prowled the touchlines like a caged animal ready to pounce during yesterdays 4-1 defeat at the hands of his famous fathers club, RS2

"No-one can comprehend how frustating it was. Management is my natural progression but i'm not ready to hang up my boots just yet. To not be out there in the trenches, involved in close combat. I'm the team's general, their idol, they worship me and i want to be leading from the front, taking the blows, trading punches. That's what i crave from life. Not to be marshalling from the sidelines. The fact that it was against my famous fathers former club made it even harder, i was itching to get out there."

I can see tears forming in his eyes, he is clearly distressed. Something in me feels for him, and i can't help but embrace him. Stewart is clearly an insecure man and needs a father figure in his life, i can be that man. We lie there for what seems an eternity in each others arms, i have never been this comfortable, both physically and mentally.

We part from each others arms, waves of electricity bounding between us, we gaze into each others eyes and meet each others lips. His soft lips pressed against mine as he caresses my body


ONLY JOKING

bye xx