The Rumour Mill(er)

In scenes reminiscent of the Plaxico Burress fiasco, seasoned Ilusionista Ralph Miller was last night spotted leaving a popular Lahore nightclub with a cohort of suspected Poltergeist associates. It is believed that the Ghosts' captain and father figure went AWOL after taking the recent defeat at the hands of RS2 particularly badly. He was seen partying with his heroes Ne-Yo and Hasan Sas well into the small hours and left the club looking a little worse for wear. It is thought that no one was injured during the incident, with onlookers describing the party as 'banging', and Miller as 'the ultimate party animal: a machine'.




Stewart: "We don't do cloning..."

With echoes of the scandal that rocked the Ghosts six months ago, there is speculation that realistic clones may once again have been used as decoys to aid Miller's departure. These allegations - originally brought by the Channel 4 documentary 'Dispatches: There's more than one Ralph Miller' (a potentially distressing excerpt of which is posted below) - have been rebuked by Stewart, who emphatically stated, "We don't do drugs, and we don't do cloning. Except 'roids. Besides, Ghosts can't have ghosts! Simples". This will come as welcome news to fans who have already seen the resolve of the club tested to breaking point this week as renegade Poltergeist factions have upped their demands for Stewart's head.



Whilst they can rest assured that genetic engineering is not being practiced at the club, questions over Miller's stint of leave remain unanswered, though the stalwart midfielder has today issued a full and inspiring apology:

"Beating RS2 is one of my biggest dreams and losing was a massive blow. However, no matter how disappointed I was, it does not excuse my behaviour later in the evening.

I may be young, but my actions were a poor error of judgment and something I deeply regret. I want to apologise to the club and the fans for letting them and myself down. I cannot change the past, but will learn from my mistakes.

Tuesday night is behind me now and I want to use my energy to fully focus on our upcoming game with The Grand on Monday." Source: The Guardian.


"It weren't me guv!"

In other news, new signings Civello and Edmonds have sought to distance themselves from the ongoing group sex allegations which are currently dogging (ed: sorry) long-term absentees Stadden and Doccy. The Lord Justice presiding over the case has imposed a ban on the divulgence of any details, suffice to say that they are shocking and highly deplorable. In a meeting with the press, Nando and Edmo issued a brief statement with the support of Gaffer Stewart - "It weren't me guv!", the pair chortled to raucous applause from the assembled crowd.

The Ghosts' will be hoping that this positive news will help shore up their chances of ending their all-game losing streak with victory over The Grand in Monday night's grudge match. A tactical reshuffle is expected to see Stewart or Edmonds grace the space between the posts in a move that will free up Rob 'Ronaldo' Gill for more of his trademark weaving runs. This, combined with Miller's newly steadied grip at the helm of team Ilusionista should see the Ghosts deliver The Grand a full-on haunting, pacifying the Poltergeists in the process.