*NEW FEATURE* Stewart Says

Welcome to the first in a long line of posts by your gaffer- me.....Tom Stewart

I'll try and find space in my busy schedule to update this feature as often as possible. It will contain all the latest news, some inside info, and muchos banteros (much banter). I will also use it to vent my spleen about things that are getting on my WICK. There will also be a weekly "player interview", and this week that interview is with me.

LET THE BANTER COMMENCE

Right, firstly i'll let you know where we are with the team. Thanks to Brett Crossingham's "credit crunch busting" fortune, we are now officially signed up for the "PITCH INVASION" league. This takes place at the WateRhall ArenA in north Brighton. The ArenA is blessed with the most up to date pitch technology known to man, and i for one can't wait to unleash our fast paced passing moves on the league.

As for the current roster, well, players definitely involved are: Myself, Ralph Miller, Brett Crossingham and Robert Lucius Gill. We also have pre-contract agreements with several players including Rob Edmonds, John Marshall, Peter Stadden and Tony Rougier.

This team is blessed with outstanding natural ability, but it does lack experience, so we urge fans to be patient.

My aims for this season are to establish ourselves as a real threat. We want to cause a few upsets, steal a bit of candy from several babies, kill some bears in the woods, and flair the fuck out of a few 'victims'. Mid-table obscurity is easily attainable, and is our minimum aim, promotion would be a real bonus.

Now for some things that are annoying me:

1. Lady GaGa

She's just a bit of a twat really aint she? She's too alternative for her own good, and now she's planning on re-creating the Princess Diana car crash in one of her video's- yeah, good one

2. Britains got Talent/Susan Boyle

she's pretty average really, and basically cos she's not very good looking, everyone is creaming their pants over her, like they can't BELIEVE that someone so grotesque can have talent. Oh, and 'BGT' is appalling

3. Gareth Barry

"ooh, i wanna play in the champions league blah blah blah", yeah, so signing for Man City is a well good idea innit you DIV

4. Akon

seriously, he's in EVERYTHING and he's so, so bad

5. Unattractive women who sunbathe topless

you can't polish a turd, put them away and do everyone a favour

6. Tesco's on Boundary Road

why is it suddenly so busy all the time, i just want so jumbo cashews and own brand coffee, but i have to wait for idiots who are doing their MONTHS shopping

7. "Internet Football Banter"

like, the comedy ones about someone who's failed or something, they tend to look like they've probably involved a fair amount of effort and yet it's ALWAYS shit

8. The person who lives across the road from me

seriously, who runs a 'sign' business from a house on a residential road.......WHO? a complete twat, that's who

9. "Greenday week" on 'Q'

what? so you're actually gonna play the same songs over and over again for a whole week? Oh, right, you are, great

10. The fact that Millie Clode isn't on sky sports news ALL the time

why isn't she on all the time? she's well good

anyway, that's all for now folks, stay tuned for my interview with myself

love tom xx