Stewart "It's Crunch Time"

Reggae legend, Tom Stewart, has proclaimed that this coming mondays relegation decider against The Grand, is the biggest game in the clubs prestigious history.

"It's huge that's for sure. Bigger than the world cup final in my view. And World War II. I'm so excited that i've been power-wanking all day to release my pent up tension, it's unbearable, i have an erection 90% of the time. It's been tough. I watched Lily Allen's Glastonbury performance about 7 times on i-player. It's been added to my favourites and everything. I am so, so horny."

Stewart has re-affirmed his reputation as a master wheeler-dealer by bringing in diminuative winger, John Marshall, on a free transfer

"John adds an extra dimension to our team. He's disgracefully quick. Sometimes watching him makes me do a bit of sick in my mouth- he's THAT quick. But i can't wait to play alongside him, i'll just keep a bucket by the pitch incase i spontaneously empty my stomach via my mouth (be sick by the way)"

Stewart has also been quick to dismiss rumours of a bust-up with skipper Ralph Miller

"Nah, Ralph is my eyes and ears on the playing arena. I need him as much as he needs me. He's my right hand man (in more ways than one- wink). No but really, he has wanked me off. But no, we haven't fallen out at all, we shared a bed (and Brett Crossingham aswell) last night. He idolises me and has aspirations to follow in my footsteps. We're really in love and extremely happy."

Stewart replaces want-away goalkeeper Rob Gill, as he takes stage in between the ghoulish sticks this monday.

"I'm really disappointed with Rob. His behaviour has disgusted me. It caused me to perform a tearful wank. Not really, he's just going to Exeter. It's fine. But i am in goal on monday. BYE!"